THE MATCH! Issue no. 103, 2005

Taken from The Backwoods Heretic

…Laboratories have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium, has one neuteron, 25 assistant neuterons, 88 deputy neuterons, and 198 assistant deputy neuterons, giving it an atomic weight of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years, but it does not decay. Instead it undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neuterons and deputy neuterons exchange places, some forming an isotope called Bureaucratium which accretes mass over time.

The total mass of Governmentium/bureacratium doubles in a 10-year period, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is deferred to as critical morass…

–Source unknown. We found this story in THE MATCH!, issue no. 110. This magazine is available from: THE MATCH!, P.O. Box 3012, Tuscon, AZ 85702. It’s nice to send a donation.