It’s been a while hasn’t it? It seems like whenever I get on a roll with my writings I just can’t keep going, it drains something out of me. It’s taken me over a month to get in the right mindset to finally sit myself back down and re-dedicate myself to several projects. The list is pretty staggering I’ve gotta tell you. I’ll get to what I want to do with this blog in a bit but first I want to talk about why this keeps happening.
I’m not going to bend the truth here: I’m lazy.
Not extraordinarily lazy but just lazy enough that it puts a damper on me trying to do continuous project after project without taking extended periods of a break in between. Perhaps that’s just normal for a lot of people and I’m being too hard on myself but I don’t know. I’m more comfortable with saying that I feel like I need to do more and do it more often as well. I don’t know whether this is a cop-out but I tend to notice some of my closely related family members tend to be pretty lazy (at times) about what they want and don’t really try to put their foot forward. I certainly don’t want to be like that and I certainly don’t want to keep getting rusty at writing or whatever. So I’m back and I intend to stick around this time and always try to find something to post at least a few times a weeek. Whether that’s a blog post, some random thoughts, a recent Youtube video, an idea I had, some news on a release, a reposting of a post from another place and so on. I want this place (as I did before) to be a virtual archive of a lot of my work. Not all of it mind you and I don’t aim to have all of it since it’s so scattered about but that’s something I want to aim towards anyways.
But what is this constant conflict that gets me? Well it’s my general states of my mind. I don’t know and then I do know. Should I care about what other people think or should I not? Should I write today? Is there a point to writing this all out? If I don’t get a lot of hits or discussion does that mean I’m successful? Maybe it’d be better if I got more hits or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe I should stop writing and perhaps I should just write everything that’s on my mind. What else is there to say? There’s so many things for me to say!
All of this is constantly going around. I’m doing work, scheduling myself and my day out and what I want to do, not doing so, doing a little, doing most of it and then back to nothing at all. I don’t know if this is all human or if this is what should be happening but it’s goddamn confusing! I wish I could get my head on straight sometimes but maybe it’s on there, just a bit crooked…
Other times I just don’t know what to write or what should be written, if I’m good enough, if people will care, if I care and so on. The more I get this out the more things seem a lot more concrete to me which is certainly a good thing because that means I can visualize the solution a lot more. But it’s also a double edged sword because a concrete problem requires a concrete solution and it means I really have to wrestle with the problem now that I see it. If I don’t give it my all I might as well have given nothing at all. I’ve got to be firm with it.
I’ve been slacking on bass as well. I don’t think I’ve played in a few weeks (at least not for hours at a time like I usually did…) and that’s probably because it’s mostly the same old music, the same playing by myself and same environment. I don’t have a job and haven’t had one in about a month or so and that’s not helping my self-confidence in my abilities nor are the prospects for my future really. College is too expensive but I want to push for my own way and be a writer or an artist of some sort at the heart of things. But I don’t know how that could happen with my skills…so there’s some more conflict for you.
I’ve found out a pretty decent solution to this big problem however: take one day at a time. I just need to get my license, get the car my grandmother promises she’ll give me once I get it and find living space with someone in NH and try to live there until I can live with my girlfriend. Taking things on step at a time though helps me get through the day. I can space out my longer term things by working on shorter projects and thus boosting my morale with my own abilities and continuing to. That way, even if I don’t get a job or go back to college I can at least look at myself in the mirror and smile at myself and who I am.
But enough of that. All of that being said what do I have planned for this blog? Well besides being a personal venting space (as you just say) I’ve decided to remove any self-imposed restrictions (just about anyways…) and post almost anything here. That means the Blog Roll Call is coming back, the Monday blog is coming back, posting videos and essays as well as things by other people that I particularly like (such as Voltairine de Cleyre and posting them here to tell you guys a bit more about me.
Speaking of VDC I’ll be speaking about her at AltExpo X next week and I encourage you (if you can make it) to please come! Also on VDC I intend to transcribe the majority (if not all) of her essays on the Haymarket Affair (which can be found on the internet but only in a few corners and they’re not too helpful…). I shall then publish them here and perhaps read them on my Youtube channel for further circulation as well as re-posting those things elsewhere. I shall post the transcript for my presentation on her here as well ans do it on my Youtube channel and then follow that up with independent essays on her, her work and her work or herself in relation to others.
I also want to post some essays on the basic ideas of libertarianism and some concrete ways to argue for and against them. That’ll include things such as property rights, the NAP, arguments for and against the state and so on. So we’ll see how that’ll go.
That’s about it for now, if you read this blog at all then thank you. And if you don’t then that’s fine too. I think I’ve learned by now that I do these things to improve myself first and foremost and while it’s nice to help others too it’s not a requirement to happiness.
Here’s to starting again!